What would YOU do?

Some of the coolest, strong willed, yet most stubborn people I know have had some of the most messed up stuff happen to them in the last 4 months. I gotta tell you the truth, over the last few days, I haven't always been so sure that I am safe from the bad luck floating around lately.

My best friend since 1997, Andrew Preston, gets a brain tumor, has surgery, and is now facing a few months(?) of pill chemotherapy to get rid of his cancer. Although it is not a very aggressive cancer, and is not growing, it is the cancer none the less, and it is in a part of the brain that is inoperable, making stress and nervousness a very real feeling for Andy, and for his family, and for me his friend worried about his future in the world. So far, he is kicking ass, and getting better and better, but nothing is for sure forever.

I have not had a lot of experience with deadly diseases, which is good, but to have something like that happen to your best friend at the age of 25, you get scared a little. I hate hospitals, and seeing people in pain in general, and I still went to see Andy a few times because he is my friend, and I love him and don't want him to go away before we kick the ass that needs to be kicked.

Now I face the reality of actually looking into the face of a man that was, unlike Andy, given an ultimatum.
My boss, general manager of the Full Sail Brew Pub has been diagnosed with a very rare cancer with a low rate of survivors. However, a very rare surgery awaits Robert Carpenter in Boston in two weeks that can hopefully save his life. Without this very special and very, very, VERY expensive surgery that is rarely performed in the United States, he is not expected to live another whole year.

Other than my Grandpa Krenz, and Grandma Patrick, I have never talked to someone who I knew was facing death. Obviously their cases, Andys' case and Roberts' case are different, but to see, work and talk with someone you know may not be around soon is very scary, at least to me. Especially when their attitude is one that makes you believe. I have full faith in the doctors who will work on Robert, as I did with the people working on Andy, however, the feelings going through my body and mind are still skewed to the point that I am pretty much numb at this point, and when I say numb, I really mean it.

All the people I work with are still feeling that shock factor with Robert that I have already gone through with Andy, and that makes me feel bad because I have nearly run out of emotion. I mean, shit, I am pretty much rambling right now in this blog. I have run out of things to say like "this sucks" or "this is crazy and I am sad" or whatever. There is just nothing.

What happens when a human runs out of emotion to show? What happens when you have used all the compassion in your body to the point that there is none to give even to yourself? People talk about being numb with feelings, but I think I am even farther than that.

I have reached a point where stress, fear, vulnerablility and all emotions have run into eachother head-on, leaving nothing alive. Depression is an afterthought. I have been depressed for two years, and have been stretched to the end of that and beyond. I wish there was a book, a google search or something to help me out where I don't feel so anxious, so scared, so weak in my human body at this moment.

What is left to do when you've cried so much there is no more sadness?

The most crazy part of all of the last few months is that now, my cousin Josh and his wife Devon ahve had their first child, Adelle, which is awesome. A new member to the family in the midst of all this chaos gives me that glimmer of hope and happiness, but also leaves me very confused as to what to feel about the future. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. That is the way of things. What we don't know is how to feel, or what to think. I am trying to figure out which one of these feelings to cling to without abandoning everyone, and keeping my own life in order. The point of insanity is never far off...


So what do I do? I need a fucking hug............